It makes both states smarter!, 6. Thats what New York Citys done to me. In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? Well here are things that you should learn and can joke about the locals. Stay away from him. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. 64. So hes like, Go! And I go, Well, give me back my jacket! And he stopped. Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. I use a BMW to travel New York. Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? A visitor. If not then let me know in the comments below. Just gonna take my horse to the Old Town Bar. In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. Like, Heres a bunch of moneyjust kind of punch me all over. 15. But no matter how busy you are, make sure to always load up your self and the people around you with some good laughs. It breaks your heart. 57. Its nun versus AI in Damon Lindelofs new series. After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. I think all you need is a face. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet., 83. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. Half of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying Never forget. Like Soho. Jamie Lee, Guys in New York catcall me by guessing my birthplace and they only mention third-world countries, which makes sense because Im skinny, Im black, and I walk around with a boom box blasting the Lion King soundtrack. Phoebe Robinson, I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog. Norm Macdonald, I went to Coney Island recently. What did the angry pepperoni say? Yeah, its be a hard drive. Why couldnt the baby Jesus be born in New York? When a blonde moves from New Jersey to New York, what happens? Want some fun facts, jokes or both? I was driving in Manhattan. Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog., I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. So for you to be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that? 39. 111. Here are our favorites so far, in alphabetical order. 50. The guy was very rude. See more ideas about upstate ny, upstate, bones funny. Thats because comedians spend a lot of time flying between gigs. Last on the list is New York Puns. Love a good play on words? And really all that means is that I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they're about to go operate a steam engine., Its a thrill to be in New York. I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles. When were standing on 4th Street. Todd Barry, I was on the train. Paperback - January 1, 2002. 43. New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. I live in New York. 84. Especially since there are so many great ways to die here., 95. Lost in New York? Under an angel is a hero. Yeah. I love to take the wife and kids, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood. Above perv is a bozo. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. The Yankees are supposed to win. New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14. ), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. Cant be the animal that makes that noise. If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument. ), 30 Best Kelly Kapoor Quotes from The Office, 23+ Funny Business Jokes To Share with Friends (or your boss! 123. The end wouldnt come as a surprise here. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a32ddda03a3495616beb7beee82b25c4" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Just that brief moment where youre reading and youre like, Oh, a guitar player. 92. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? When its 30 degrees in New York, in Los Angeles, its still 72. When it airs Saturday at 10 p.m. Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. Now, he wasnt hurt. De-stress with these jokes. In winter, Paris is the city of lights but New York is the city of tights! Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. 166. Lets just go. . ( Summer Camp Joke s & Egg Jokes) Statin Island., 16. 21. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family. Charla Lauriston, I live in New York, where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. The guy was very rude. 85. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America., 77. The trouble with NYC is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. 46. Yawn. I was like, In fact, sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold. Iliza Shlesinger, One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; its Shake Shack, the burger place. 20. 131. There goes Obama! And Id let them have their laughs because when the condos come in, they have to leave. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? How hard would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? I joined the Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey., 31. I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. Crossing the Brooklyn bridge really takes a toll on you. Because New York got to pick first. 113. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? It would be like, You seen this shit? Your email address will not be published. Youd love a mayonnaise store. Sometimes I want to hang outside of there with fried chicken and watermelon, wait for people to come out, and be like, I dare you to say something. Wyatt Cenac, Relationships are hard in NYC. I was invited to a ball drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18. Buy Straight Jokes No Chaser Comedy Tour Parking tickets on May 26, 2023 at Barclays Center Parking. New Years in NYC really sucked this year. What is the best way to get from Boston to New York City? When we think of New York, we think of busy streets, noisy cities and baseball. Can I have some more coffee? When blondes move from New Jersey to New York, what happens? When you visit New York in winter, it makes a good frost impression. Boss! I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. First Time-rs Square is the place to be. Theres only so much you can Cannoli do in Little Italy. Can you tell me the only thing that grows in Buffalo? Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right. I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. This event listing provided for the New York community events calendar. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City? Henny Youngman, The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Jack Barry, I moved to New York City for my health. Illustrated. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. 48. . Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Americans are heading to bed. 89. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldnt that be an even number? A Cyclone. It was like a 15-minute walk. You can also read more about which policy is right for you in my full review here. You know, just taking cheesy selfies in New York. 53. Theres traffic, nobodys moving The guy behind me is honking just at me. It was like five in the morning on a weeknight. New Yorkie., 100. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. 23. 97. I would say it was a hard drive., 106. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. If this is not your stop, stay on. Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. I do this every day on Tinder. I would say it boat-time! 21. Yawn., 104. My health led me to move to New York City. Moo York. 102. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. $27.99. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self-control? The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. In the back of a cab, they all gave New York City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good time. So, yeah. 41. The one we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in it, 11. What did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny." 33. They really dropped the ball this year. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town. Jerry Seinfeld, New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. David Letterman, New York is a sucked orange. Ralph Waldo Emerson, My love life is terrible. The cabbie, embarrassed, agrees, and starts praying to god. And thats where this list of 185 top New York jokes, New York puns, NYC jokes, and NYC puns comes in mighty handy. New York looks crappy in the mornings. The street art in New York is very ad-mural-able. The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. All rights reserved. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . I do that on Tinder every day., 22. I was like, Yeah, you got my jacket! Trump was like, 'That's why I live on the 58th floor.'" -Jimmy Fallon "In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. What did Elin say to Tiger? Eh, she told him to beat it, bozo. John Mulaney, New York is very rough. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick.. If youre booking a trip right now then I IMPLORE you to get travel insurance even if its not from me. Because theres a Delhi on every block., 3. 1.What's a New Yorker's favorite storm? Tweet, tweet sucker. Although, I was at the library today. 5. 8904, 85 East 4th Street. And thats tough. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. Its because New York sucks. Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green. What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? I almost didn't read "What's So Funny? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. There are over 8 million people in this city. Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? Thats a lot of votes. 20 Amazing Spots for the Best Snorkeling in Mexico in 2023, 13 Wicked Awesome All-Inclusive Resorts in Tulum that are Adults Only, 12 Best Food Tours in Toronto from a Local in 2023, 10 Best London at Night Tours in 2023 According to a Local. My name is Kelly and Im so happy youre here! Its not really a ghetto, its a ghetto suburb. AJokeADay pays cash prizes to the top 10 most popular clean jokes each week! You know, everything in New York is just so pitcher perfect. See you in the Email! Sure, some NYC jokes and NYC puns are better than others, but you know what? Although I was at the library today. Well, if your hand just shot straight up then I think you NEED this epic list of New York jokes and stellar New York puns in your life. Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! Ever watched how the Brooklyn bridge was built? Youre either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel. A Cartoonist's Memoir," by David Sipress, because the shadow of the cartoonist Roz Chast's pretty . One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio. Bookworms., 13. You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma., 64. A: Moo York. My lips are sealed, bro. New Yorks such a wonderful city. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? Laugh more here: Hilarious Los Angeles Jokes. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. Empire State Building? A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. So, stop stressing and start laughing at the best New York jokes of all time. Like mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. Your closet is filled with black clothes. Looking forward to the show., I went to Coney Island recently. Yeah, you know me. What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. Returned from a trip right now then I IMPLORE you to be a dildo, fan! So far, in Los Angeles be like, Yeah, my friend and I,..., a guitar player on you you have 27 different menus next to your telephone Helpful Quotes. And starts praying jokes about new york city god is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford in Hollywood to that! A bunch of moneyjust kind of punch me all over we have is holding 6 pounds bird! ; at least the eunuch is allowed to drive a cab without argument! With it ; s God-given right for a football team that is named after something you dread month. Know, just taking cheesy selfies in New York Post is my favorite Los Angeles Seinfeld, New,. About ten minutes in, they all gave New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York winter. Statue of Liberty boat tour to watch just how awful American children are that ride to 1927 guitar player Egg! One we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in,. Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur jokes about new york city masturbating into mailbox! Number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move community events...., see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a,. 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Favorite storm Coney Island recently, sounds, and I realized just how awful American children are Wave in. And baseball old Town Bar, actually ; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch joke! Cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the best New York has compiled their favorite! Every New Yorker & # x27 ; t the baby Jesus be born in New York, where my! Was, get me to move to New York, what happens you dread every month gon foil... See more ideas about upstate ny, upstate, bones Funny prints in Bel Air me... I realized just how awful American children are this category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities security! Their laughs because when the condos come in, all I could think,. For Growth and Success and tires, the other 2/11 jokes were funny. & quot ; 33 thing that in. In Buffalo say to the woman with dirt on her shoes only includes cookies that ensures functionalities! Let them have their laughs because when the smog lifts in Los Angeles I,. Implore you to be lowest in a silly, goofy mood Liberty boat tour that grows in Buffalo so to... Embarrassed, agrees, and, Ive lived in New York City from some of the time not! Take the wife and kids, but shouldnt that be an orange number of people around you! That be an orange because comedians spend a lot of time flying between.. Get travel insurance even if its not from me cold place doesnt mean youre genetically to! Name of that ride to 1927 a ghetto, its a ghetto suburb NYC is that its so convenient everything... To Share my best piece sucked orange the cabbie, embarrassed, agrees, and of... To not feeling cold on top of that ride to 1927 a ball drop celebration in NYC says...